Advertising. It’s a necessary evil. You want to watch sports on TV, it’s the cost of doing business. Always has been. Always will be.
True cynics, of which I am a card carrying union member, are probably appalled at an injury report being sponsored by an insurance carrier or a call to the bullpen brought to them by a phone service. Not me. Those are logical tie-ins, and basically innocuous. Some can be down right cheezy, but silly sponsorships like those are basically an unobtrusive way for broadcasters to increase advertising revenue. And they are demonstrably less annoying than pop-up ads that are on the verge of driving me stark raving mad.
Advertising in general is viewed as a negative by most people. Not me. I consider a great TV or radio commercial a genuine work of art. The creativity displayed can be downright humbling. And, for the record, I would sell my soul to the devil himself if I could make a comfortable living simply by providing the voice-over for commercials.
Now comes talk that Major League Baseball is strongly considering selling advertising space on the caps and jersey of its players. You want to really alienate your fans and do irreparable damage to your brand in the process? Go ahead with this wickedly misguided concept. Talk about messing with the very fabric of the sport—these scoundrels who run MLB are messing with the ACTUAL fabric of the sport.
It may seem harmless to place a small Chevy logo on a Yankees hat, but that will quickly lead to Pizza Hut on one shoulder, Gatorade on the other, and before you know it there could be a Cinnabon logo across the backside of (the fat bastard) Roger Clemens. Don’t laugh, obviously nothing is sacred as far as MLB is concerned.
I heard some donkey baseball executive say in a radio soundbyte, “We’re just like any other business, looking for additional revenue opportunities.” Only a viciously mismanaged business like baseball would propose something so insulting with a straight face. And hello, you’re NOT like any other industry. You are baseball, dammit. And that is different.
This is a free market economy and far be it from me to tell anyone how to run their business. OK, MLB—you want to increase advertising opportunities? Pay attention. I came up with these additional sponsorship possibilities after a few beers in the late innings of an Orioles-Red Sox game.
Using the same model for play-on-words sponsorship tie-ins, these suggestions could result in countless millions of dollars in”additional revenue opportunities.” They are also proprietary to me until a financial remedy can be determined if these concepts are pursued by MLB. Follow these simple instructions and you will have successfully saved your product from your selves.
Let’s start with the physical components of baseball:
HOT CORNER: This one is too easy. It’s brought you by Tabasco. If they don’t want to play ball, call Texas Pete. Or go the other way and offer the spot to an air conditioner company.
1st BASE: Sell that to First Alert smoke detectors. See, MLB is saving lives with the help of their corporate partners!
2nd BASE: I’d take that one to Pepsi because they’ll always be second to Coke, but they don’t care. Their logo is superimposed on 2nd base for millions of TV viewers to see.
HOMEPLATE: Don’t have time to make a home cooked meal? Stop by Boston Market on the way home. Or play up the plate angle and have Crate & Barrel promote their dishware. Last I checked there are females who watch baseball. I’ve got no hard facts, but it’s in the millions.
ON DECK CIRCLE: Want to protect your deck? Use Thompson’s Water Sealant. This is not rocket surgery, people.
FOUL LINES: Keep your home smelling fresh with AIRWICK air fresheners or Arm & Hammer baking soda in your refrigerator. And for the love of any thing holy, please do not put company logos on the uniforms of major league baseball players.
INFIELD GRASS: For best results in your garden, rely on Miracle Grow.
OUTFIELD GRASS: Why sponsor each grass area separately? You mean, besides creating ADDITIONAL REVENUE OPPORTUNITIES? John Deer tractors and lawn mowers would gladly take this one.
PITCHING RUBBER: You can never have enough safe sex messages, but I’ll refrain from recommending having Trojan’s sponsor that long, hard slab.
What, that’s not enough additional revenue? Cue Chuck Sheen in Wall Street…”HOW MANY YACHTS DO YOU NEED TO WATERSKI BEHIND…” Fine, more it is then. Let’s switch to the situation elements of the game ripe for the plucking:
STOLEN BASE: Someone stole your car? OnStar can help police recover it quickly.
CAUGHT STEALING Catcher guns down a guy attempting to swipe a bag? Brinks Security alarm systems can ensure your family’s safety.
MOUND VISIT: Every time the pitching coach checks on a pitcher, Expedia.com is the best source for online travel deals.
BROKEN BAT: At Home Depot our lumber is the strongest in the industry. Jay Gibbons broke 2 bats in one plate appearance and another later in the same game already this season. Talk about compound interest.
WALK: Give this one away as a PSA to the Centers for Disease Control so they can reference their study on the obesity epidemic in America. Walking is a great way to increase exercise and blah, blah, blah.
EXTRA INNINGS: Old Spice High Endurance long lasting stick deodorant keeps working, even past quitting time.
RELIEVER MATCHUP: Looking for the right match in your social life? Match.com can help you find the perfect match.
PINCH HITTER: Need to deliver in the clutch? Count on FedEx to get your package where it needs to go, when it needs to be there.
CLOSE PLAY: For the closest shave possible, Gillette Mach 3 Sensor, is the best a man can get.
TOUGH DECISION: Any number of professional service firms would line up to say, Anderson Consulting, we help companies make tough decisions every day.
LATE INNING RALY: This has to go to Viagra, Levitra or Cialis. It’s just so obvious. Again, we’re going with the assumption that nothing is sacred in a world where MLB would actually consider something as blasphemous as selling advertising on players’ uniforms.
And make no mistake, there are more opportunities for ADDITIONAL ADVERTSING REVENUE. I just rattled these ideas off in about an hour. And while I was writing this, the female-lead, Sixpence None the Richer’s version of The La’s “There She Goes Again” is used in a TV spot for birth control pills. For whatever that’s worth.
So, either I’m unbelievably brilliant for discovering this plethora of new revenue streams that represent literally millions of dollars, or MLB is so outrageously out of touch with their own product that if it were a pair of athletic shorts, Ron Artest would pull them down. The smart money is on the latter. If MLB will follow my instructions, this marketing maneuver should be able to offset potential earnings by selling ads on pinstripes like they’re some cheap NASCAR jacket. Listen to me now, or listen to me later. Either way, you gotta pay to play by my rules. Consider it a fine for such staggering shortsightedness.
